Chapter 7 Beth How could someone look so handsome and be so terrible at the same time ? I covered my mouth with shaking fingers as I watched the rental peel out of the driveway Rafe looked amazing .
He had matured , and the years looked good on him .
His shoulders seemed broader , his arms more muscular , his angular face had filled out a limle .
He looked like a movie star , A mean movie star with a bad temper who was intent on kicking me out of his familys house .
I had no doubt he would do it , too .
He would wave around a fistful of money probably hire one of those home health nurses from one of those agencies , and kick Lucy and me to the curb .
I had $ 132.00 in my checking account .
I had intended to use that money to buy Christmas presents for Lucy and Charlie What good would such a small sum do if we found ourselves homeless tomorrow ? I didnt own anything of value , except my two sewing machines and my car .
If I sold my car , could I raise enough money for a deposit on an apartment ? Or , should I try to live out of my car until I could save up enough ? How could I subject my baby girl to that kind of hardship and depravity ? My thoughts raced around in panicked circles .
I needed help , but who could I call ? My parents hadnt spoken to me in years , not since I publicly shamed them by getting pregnant at nineteen .
I had very few friends , and none of them were in a financial position to help me out .
Asking my ex husband for a loan would be humiliating beyond measure , but what choice did I have ? I suppose there was always the womens crisis shelter … All this because Gabriel hadnt told his brother about Charlies stroke .
What if I talked to Raphael again , what if I tried to explain to him the arrangement that I had made with Gabriel ? The idea of facing him , explaining the humiliating situation I found myself in after the divorce was finalized .
How Gabriel had graciously allowed me to stay in the family home in exchange for taking care of Charlie .
I would have taken care of her anyway , even without the house .
Lucy slipped her small hand into mine .
She looked up at me with that innocent , angelic face .
Dont worry Mommy Everything is going to be okay .
I tried to smile down at her .
Youre right , I said , trying to sound half as confident as she did .
Lets go make those Christmas cookies Baking was the last thing I wanted to do , but I had promised Lucy that we would make cookies as soon as I finished my work for the day .
Making Christmas cookies was a Segretto tradition .
In fact , the first time Rafe and Gabe invited me to their home , we had decorated sugar r cookies together .
Charlie had stood at the counter , rolling out the chilled dough while Gabe used cookie cutters to make shapes of snowmen and Santa hats , Christmas trees and reindeer .
After they came out of the oven and were cool enough , Raphael and I decorated them with colored buttercream frosting This year I had Charlies wheelchair pulled up to the table , so that she could at least watch Lucy decorate , while I stood at the counter and took over the rolling , cutting and baking .
I put Nanas favorite old timely Christmas albums on the old record player , and listened to Lucy belt out Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer at the top of her little lungs , just like her father used to do .
I forced my lips to smile , and took pictures on my phone , making sure to capture Lucys fingers , stained with food colouring , and the suspicious green smear of frosting around her lips , after a Christmas tree shaped cookie accidentally broke We always ate the mistakes and the broken cookies .
Nana Charlie sampled a beheaded snowman and gave a thumbs up of approval with her good hand .
When the last tray was out of the oven , collapsed on the kitchen chair next to her .
She reached over and gave my arm a squeeze , with a soft , sad look in her eyes .
Nana Charlie knew I was just trying to keep things happy and normal for Lucy , even though it felt like we were poised on the brink of disaster .
I also know that if she could , Charlie would advocate for us .
But she had difficulty verbalizing even simple words , as the stroke had affected the part of her brain that controlled speech and language .
I leaned over and kissed her soft , wrinkled cheek .
7 love you , Nana Charlie .
I said softly .
Youve always been here for us .
She blinked rapidly in response and squeezed my arm again .
I sighed and stood up .
You guys finish the frosting , clean up and start dinner .
And then after dinner , while Lucy and Nana Charlie watched their favorite shows , I would go back my sewing room and try to get some more work done on the tailoring orders .

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It would be better to keep my fingers busy than to sit and fret over something I had no control over