Chapter 14 Betty I dragged the contractors trash bag out to the garbage cans by the road .
It had taken me half the day to not only clean up the mess I had mada when I fell through the ceiling , but to also dust and vacuum the room .
Thad stripped the bed and now had the sheets and blankets in the washer i trudged back into the house and kicked off my boots .
I quickly checked on Lucy and Naria before I trudged upstairs to the bathroom , and peeled off my clothes for a shower .
The full length mirror on the back of the door was my nemesis .
When I had more energy , I sometimes hung a towel over it , so I wouldnt have to see I I my own naked body every time I needed a bath Nobody wanted to look at that , not even me .
Raphael was the only person who had ever thought I was pretty .
I dont know why he ever found a short , chubby , buxom girl attractive , but he did .
And for those few years , when I saw myself through his eyes , I felt different .
I felt nexy I felt desirable .
I felt loved .
That illusion was thoroughly shattered when he left .
He hadnt loved me enough to stay with me .
Or to bring me with him .
Or to even ask me to wait for him .
Its over , Beth ! It was good while it lasted , but life is taking me in a different direction now , Just accept it His words haunted me like ghosts , even now .
And of course , Gabriel had never approved of my body in his profession , women had a certain look , and I didnt fit in .
He had always pushed me to lose weight , to exercise more .
He even sent me to get a spray on tan once .
I turned on the shower and stuck my hand under it , waiting for the water to get warm enough .
Lets face it , having a baby hadnt done anything to improve my figure .
Now I had even more stretch marks , bigger boobs with bigger ***** , a belly roll , and thighs that rubbed together .
And none of the diets I tried , none of the shakes , the starvation , the embarrassing hours in the gym had done anything to improve my shape .
I was a pasty white dumpling .
Why did I ev even care ? I would have sworn that Id made peace with my body .
But having Raphael back in my life , however brief and transient that involvement might be , had me facing all my shortcomings all over again , How pathetic ! When I had scrubbed away the dust and shampooed my hair , I stepped out into the steamy bathroom , I walked over to the fogged up mirror and drew a happy face on the glass At least Lucy didnt care what I looked like .
She didnt see fat or frumpy , she just saw mommy .
Once she becomes a teenager , she might be embarrassed to be seen with me , so I had better embrace these days of sweet , nonjudgmental innocence .
I wrapped a towel around my wet body and walked down the hallway to my bedroom- Gabes old bedroom .
I didnt have any sentimental attachment to Gabes space , it was simply the room Nana Charlie had assigned me when I needed a place to stay .
She had happily converted the small guest room next to Gabes into a room for Lucy as soon as she was born .
It was decorated in shades of pink and green and baby blue , full of toys and books and other material manifestations of a grandmothers love .
By contrast , I hadnt changed anything in Gabes room , except to hang my clothes in the closet and put my things on his dresser .
Even though Id been living here for more than a year , I still felt like I was trespassing in his room .
I put on some clean clothes .
I still sewed all my own clothes , and Lucys too .
But unlike my strict , religious parents .
I tried to copy the latest fashions to that Lucy wouldnt stand out from her friends I didnt want her to feel like she was a freak , the way i did when I was a girl , when my parents forced me to wear plain , homemade clothes , in accordance with the strict religious community I was raised in .
I stepped out and glanced into the room across the hall .
Cleaning in there , touching all Raphaels things , had really stirred up a lot of memories .
He had swooped into my life when I was only fifteen .
He was my first and only boyfriend .
He had been my whole life , right up until I was nineteen .
I shouldnt be bitter about the fact that he left me , because he had left behind something even more precious , My precious Lucy .
Shutting the door to the room , I hoped that Rafe would not come back any time soon .
It was neat and clean now , but the huge ragged hole in the Chister 14 .
ting could not be ignored .
Downstairs , Lucy and Charlie were playing Candyland , Lucy had out grown the board game , but it was one of the few games Charlie could still play without assistance I smiled fondly at the two of them and then went back to my sewing room on the back enclosed porch .
My breath escaped from my mouth in little clouds of white as I switched on the little ceramic heater .
It was barely enough to take the chill out of the room , but it kept my feet from going numb ..
Work was dwindling as we grew closer to Christmas .
I had a sut to mend , a dress that needed to be let out a size , and a christening gown for Miranda Murphys baby girl .
I also had some scrap fabric that I hoped to turn into a cute party dress for Lucy .
Nobody liked getting clothes for Christmas , but this year , it was the best I could do .
I I I s busy on the mending project when I was startled by a light knock on the door .
I jumped and narrowly avoided pricking my finger with the needle .
Itwisted around to see Raphael lounging in the doorway .
God , he still looked too good to be true .
He wore a pair of black designer label jeans that hugged his narrow hips , and a button down flannel shirt , with the sleeves rolled up over his muscular forearms .
Sorry to startle you he said , without a smile .
His eyes were traveling over my sewing studio with a look of disapproval Lucy let me in .
Oh , I couldnt think of what to say .
I was going to have a word with Lucy about letting strangers into the house .
Not that Rafe was a stranger .
And , well , technically , it was kind of his house , too .
Is this your business ? he asked , walking in and picking up the unfinished white baby gown Um , yes .
I said .
feeling self conscious , and fighting the urge to snatch it away from him .
Thats good .
You always had a talent for it .
Did you ever go to that fashion design school ? I felt my cheeks growing hot and red .
No.
I had Lucy and , well , I couldnt pay for it anyway His dark brows drew together .

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Why didnt Gabe pay the tuition ? He said it was too much I admitted grudgingly .
I tried to straighten my shoulders .
I didnt want to talk about that , not with anyone , but especially not with Raphael .
Why are you here ? I grimaced as the question sounded rude and blunt .
Im sorry I quickly apologised .
Is there something I can help you with ? Pizza he said smoothly , Tm here to take you all out for pizza .
When I only stared at him blankly , he added , 1 promised Lucy , remember ? Oh .
I thought Well , frankly , I just thought he was being polite .
Please , he said , flashing me that charming one -dimple smile .
Td Eke to take mom out too , but Im not sure exactly what she needs with her condition .
Id feel a lot better if you would come with us .
toor He turned and walked back into the house , utterly confident that I would agree .
Lucy was already struggling with her coat and boots .
Hey Mommy ! Uncle Rafe is taking us to Dynamos for Pizza ! He said we can play the games Wow I said faintly I didnt want to put a damper on her enthusiasm .
Thats really great about uncle Rafe .