Chapter 23 One last time … Every time I see him with the woman he loves , he teaches me how to hold a sob .
It was easy back then , but ever since I found out I was pregnant , it has been difficult to watch them .
I would hold in sobs while I nervously laughed with them .
I had to make this choice : to walk away from it all from him , from this city so he could be happy .
I still love him , but I had to walk away for him to be happy with the one he loved and not have to choose between the woman he loved and his children .
As I said , I am an altruist .
This is the price I pay for loving the man I shouldnt have loved .
The price I pay for not saying no all the time is because I thought he would notice me .
He is still the best thing that has ever happened to me .
Yet , this is the price I pay for falling deeply in love with Dante .
No regrets .
~ Dante ~ I had so many opportunities to tell Lola how I felt .
I wasnt brave like the 16 year old me .
When I told her Id be her Prince Charming and shed be my princess when she reached the age of consent , I meant it .
She kept the promise and valued the promise .
She never complained when she saw me with my latest flings .
She was there for me , hurting and wishing I would one day remember our promise .
Its not like I didnt remember the promise .
I couldnt tell her how I felt .
I just couldnt .
I had a reason to leave work early because I had someone waiting for me .
She was there to celebrate every achievement with me .
She was my rock .
If only I had been bold enough , she couldnt have left .
If only I had told her how I felt on her prom night .
If only I had come clean on our dinner date .
I was so stupid .
I would take her on dinner dates , wanting to tell her I loved her , but those three words wouldnt come out .
I wasted time , and the ifs dont matter now because I lost her .
I lost my smile keeper .
I watched the girl I loved grow up , knowing she was mine .
I watched her grow into the woman she is now , but still , I couldnt tell her ; I kept hurting her .
On our last night together , I should have known she was reminding me of the promise I broke .
Why did she have to remind me of that promise we made all those years ago and then abandon me without giving me the opportunity to explain that I had been in love with her since she was 16 ? Why would she wait for me ? Who am I kidding ? I took her innocence and told her we couldnt be .
I lied to her that day .
I was afraid if I told her I loved her , I would lose her .
I was scared that she would start talking about Candice .
I wanted to keep her around , even if I couldnt have her .
It was a very difficult thing to do because Lola was a temptation .
She was a drug , and I let her down .
How can I fix this when I wasnt given a chance to fix it ? So how do I explain to her that it has always been her and her alone ? What have I done ? I have been busy planning to marry another woman , forgetting the promises I made .
Trust has been broken .
Promises I never kept are broken .
It was never her fault .
It was all me .
I only have myself to blame for everything .

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I knew I would never love anyone else the way I loved Lola , but what have I done ? My mother even made me marry her , but still , I couldnt come clean .
The day she handed me the divorce papers , I had a chance to not sign them and tell her I wanted us to work .
But like a fool , I signed .
Will I ever have a chance to mend this ? Where do I even start looking for the love of my life ? She was there for me , waiting for me to man up , but I failed terribly .
Sex with Lola felt right .
Sex with Candice has never felt right , not even a single day .
It has always felt like I was cheating on someone .
The signs were there , but I failed to see them .
I would fight with Candice , and she would even advise me to go back to Candice .
She wanted me to be happy , but what I had with Candice was never love .
It was lust .
Fucking is what we did with no connection .
She was there to give herself to me .
But sex with Lola was filled with a lot of emotions .
She made me feel things I had never felt with any woman .
Retraval 16.5 % Chapter 23 Making love to Lola had a meaning .
Since our wedding day , I have always wanted to have her every day , but I told her we couldnt be together .
I gave her a reason to leave .
Maybe I could have left a message in one of her favorite flowers each time I sent them to her .
I literally sent her white roses every day , I could have maybe left a message there .
But how do you tell a girl you watched grow how you feel about her ?